Subdivided

I just finished watching the documentary "Subdivided". It's about how society has changed from people moving to the suburbs. It was really interesting and got me to thinking.

I grew up in a subdivision during the 1970's that can best be described as a "themed subdivision" and that theme was horses. The subdivision had these horses and I'm not sure how it worked but families who lived in the subdivision could lease these horses. Most families did and during the summer we had "pony shows" that were elaborate productions. We all dressed up in show clothes and you and your horse won ribbons for different events. It was really neat cause it was something that you could do together as a family, and the rest of the community. Besides the pony shows there were movies shown on the tennis grounds, potlucks, Santa parade and other things that I'm probably forgetting. It was the ideal place to grow up. This documentary I just watched got me thinking about how unique that place was in that it was a real community.

Then I thought about other places I've lived. One of the best places I've lived is Bloomington, Indiana located in southern Indiana and home of Indiana University. This campus is BEAUTIFUL. It looks and feels like a state park and the buildings are all Indiana limestone. Bloomington is a relatively small town outside of the university. One of the things I love about college towns is that they are set up for WALKING. Cars had no power and pedestrians rule. I loved being able to walk to my classes, to work, to clubs,bars,restaurants, live music and shopping.

When I moved to Indianapolis what I hated was having to drive everywhere. All around the city are these little islands of shopping centers, one on the north side is exactly like one on the south side. No diversity. Then when I lived in Denver I saw HUGE swatches of land being made into these giant subdivisions. The west is being eaten up by sprawl. Sprawl is constant from Colorado Springs (and probably now from Pueblo) all the way to Boulder and probably Fort Collins. These massive houses being built all look the same. It is so depressing. And the main thing you notice when you look at these houses is the garage being at the front of the house. I could never understand this until my husband explained it to me that developers could build more houses on smaller lots that way.

When we decided to buy a house we chose one in what is probably the oldest neighborhood in town and has been run down by absentee landlords and drugs. The houses are all old and beautiful and BIG! They just don't build houses like that anymore. One of the reasons we bought this house was because we got a lot of house for the price. Another reason was because I wanted to commit to rebuilding our urban areas as liveable communities. In our town people are fleeing the city and going to the suburbs and the neighborhoods in the city are really suffering. I didn't want to contribute to that. My mother keeps telling me I've got to get out of that house and neighborhood, but I like it. The only thing I don't like is that cars drive too fast down the street and I don't feel comfortable letting my kids ride their bikes in the street. And that's sad. Where I grew up we owned the streets during the summertime, playing kick the can and ding dong ditch em and what not.

I know there is movement in creating communities that revolve around people and not the automobile. Communities where you could walk to shopping, the library, cultural events, museums, theater, restaraunts and clubs. I hope we get there. Otherwise I just have to wait until I retire and can move back to Bloomington

Cooped up

Well it's snowing. I know that when Jett gets up he will want to go outside and play in the snow. I don't have snow boots or pants for him. I guess I was hoping that it wouldn't snow this winter. And I don't know what I'll do with Hope, it's too cold for her. This is what I don't like about winter! I don't like cold, I don't like not being able to do the things I like to do like be outside, I miss the sun. Why oh why did I leave Colorado with all of it's sunny days? At least there when it snowed it was usually gone in a day or two.

Well my last post was in August and I said I was back in action. I guess not! It's been the best of times and the worst of times. What book is that from? I think it's from Dickens. 2009 has not been a good year. To start off Michael was laid off from his job. Then we seperated in June, I moved out. Moving is of course very stressful. Being a single parent is not for the faint hearted let me tell you that. Then I thought I was heading in the right direction by getting into the C.A.S. program at the U of I-Champaign. I love school, if I could be a college student for the rest of my life I would! I pursued this direction because the program offered what I was looking for as far as getting the certification for my job. But it's too expensive! I simply cannot afford it. It's 40 hours, each course is 4 hours and costs $2,000. That's $20,000. I applied for a grant and didn't get it. I seriously thought about paying for it with student loans, but I already owe a lot for my masters and don't want to go deeper into debt. Then there is the factor of time, it is hard to go to school when you work full time and have 3 children. I don't have the mental stamina that I did when I was in my 20's. The first course I took was unbelievably dull. It was called "The Organization and Access of Information". It's a required course and it talks about things like metadata which I'm still not sure what that is. Some of the other courses like young adult literature and children's literature would be fun, but they are repeats of classes I took for my masters that they say are not sufficient.

So I've really been frustrated and felt like I'm caught in a Catch-22 situation. I need to do this for my job, I could loose my job if I don't. But do I go bankrupt in the process?

Okay enough negativity. Things to be thankful for: 3 healthy, beautiful, wonderful children. My good health and my parents good health. I am employed. I do have skills, sometimes I'm just not sure what direction to put them in. My husband has a job. And although we are sperated right now we are still good friends and are talking and the kids seem to be doing alright.

2010 has got to be better! I just need to get through this winter.
So I've been really frustrated and f

back in action

Well Bubbieroos is back in action! I went on a hiatus this summer because my laptop was stolen. But now I have a new laptop and I'm ready to go. For all of my avid readers, I know, I've left you hanging. But it's been kind of a rough summer.

Today was my first day back at a certain school and the kids were so sweet! They came up and gave me hugs and were so excited to see me, wanting to know when they would be coming to library. I have a soft spot in my heart for the kids at this school. It's hard to believe that this is my 4th year. The 5th graders were 2nd graders when I started!

transitions

Well I guess you could say I am in a period of transition. I've decided to move out of our house and rent my own place. I'm not going to go into the details as I don't think I would appreciate it if my husband was blogging all kinds of details about me. I will say sadly that it has taken me ten years and three children to figure out that we aren't compatable. We don't like the same things. We don't like to do the same things. And this has caused a tremendous amount of tension in our household that I don't want to live with anymore. Basically that is it.

Wounded Knee

Did anyone watch the PBS series about Native Americans "We Shall Remain"? It's been on for the past month on Monday nights. This last episode, entitled "Wounded Knee" was really good. It was all about the American Indian Movement during the early 1970's. I don't know why I get so fascinated by all of that but I do. It makes me want to take a road trip to South Dakota to see the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation and to see the Badlands and the Black Hills. Just because I'm curious and I'd like to see it.

I've spent some time on Indian reservations. I spent a summer while I was in college on the Navajo Reservation in Window Rock/Ft. Defiance AZ. Then I lived and worked for two years at the high school in Shiprock, NM. I think back often to that time and how it affected me, both good and bad. I love the West and I miss the West. I haven't been back since I left Denver (and that's not really "the West"). The sky is so big and expansive and the wide open spaces seem to swallow you up whole. I know I'll go back someday. I have to.

Sophie

Well back to my dog. I miss her. What happened? Well as Sophie became older she became more neurotic. She was afraid of storms. Or she was afraid of the sounds caused by thunder. She would absolutely freak out. It got worse each year. She would pant uncontrollably and she would paw at me. I tried everything I could to calm her down. I would pet her, I would hug her. I went to the vet and got tranquilizers for her. They kind of helped but not a lot. Eventually she would try and escape from the house whenever there was a storm. If I left a window open she busted out the screen. Or if I left a window unlocked, she would nose it open and try to get out. She jumped several (and I mean several!) times out of my bedroom which is on the second floor. She chewed all of the woodwork around our windows. Then she would get picked up by strangers or the pound. I got several calls while I was at work to come and get my dog. She was picked up several times by the pound. I swear that dog had nine lives. Finally this past September, when I was 9 months pregnant with child #3, she got picked up by the pound again. This time I decided I couldn't handle this dog anymore. I called the pound and asked about putting her down. They said why put her down, they could find a home for her. I said okay and went in to sign the papers. Sophie did find a home because I got a call from the microchip company asking about tranferring ownership.

But I still feel bad about it. She was a very good friend and companion. My time out west was greatly enhanced by her presence. I hope that she understands. If I weren't having a baby at that time, maybe I could've worked with her more or tried different things to deal with her anxiety about storms. But I didn't and I miss her.

Sophie and Lea

I miss my dog. If I knew how to post pictures I'd post a picture of her here. I knew that her absence would hit me later. What can I say? I got Sophie shortly after I moved out west. I'd always wanted a dog, but it didn't seem like my life was condusive (sp?) to having a dog. I had a cat, Lea, whom I loved also. I kind of associate these two pets as my ventures into adult life and caring for something other than myself. I got Lea shortly after I returned from my Outward Bound experience in 1994. I need another post to write about that experience. I was 23, about to turn 24. I was attending grad school at Indiana University in Bloomington, Indiana. I could write another post about how much I love this town. I mentioned to one of my co-workers that I wanted a cat and she put me in touch with Lea, who needed a home. She brought me Lea who was a grey tortoise shell little kitty. I was living at the time in and old house that was chopped up into rooms for rent. I loved this house! Ask anyone who has ever been to Bloomington with me and I've dragged them through this house. It had a great porch that I loved to sit outside and people watch. Well anyway I got Lea that summer and she was pretty special. I was neurotic about taking care of this cat. Other cats came into my life but none held the same charm for me as Lea. She made the harrowing trip out West with me (and back!).

Sophie came into my life soon after I moved out west to Farmington, NM. I was working as a librarian at the high school in Shiprock, NM. One day on my way home from work I stopped by the pound "just to look". I was lonely out there like I'd never been lonely before. I thought a dog might help. Never mind the fact that I was living in apartment that was unbelievably hard to get that didn't allow dogs. I saw Sophie, who could best be described as a little golden retriever. I did whatever it was I needed to do to adopt her and took her home. The day was Halloween. I named the dog Sophie cause my friend Tiffany had a dog named Sophie that I thought looked like this dog. I went home that night and got some trick-or-treaters. When I opened the door Sophie ran out and took off running. I looked for her that night and couldn't find her. I felt horrible, thinking that this dog had a chance while she was at the pound but out there on the loose who knew what could happen to her. I imagined myself calling the pound the next day to tell them to look out for this dog and that she was worse off than when I adopted her. Well that night I woke up to a dog barking. I opened my door and there stood Sophie. I couldn't of spent more than an hour or two with her and how she managed to find her way back to my place, I couldn't fathom. I thought to myself, "that's a smart dog." I took her in and we were inseperable.

I'm sure my circumstances contributed to my strong attachment to this dog. I had moved 1500 miles willingly by myself to a place where I knew no one and the cutlture was quite different. All I had was this dog. And she was loyal like you wouldn't believe. I didn't have to potty train her cause she was already 6 months old. I often thought that if I had to potty train her I would've given up because it was more that at that time I could handle. She would run off, but she always came back. Shortly therafter I moved into to teacher housing in Shiprock, which was on the reservation. They didn't care if you had dogs. It was really a nice place and super cheap. They took my rent out of my salary. It certainly was the nicest place I'd ever lived in on my own. It had two bedrooms, a kitchen and family room. It had a front and back yard. I grew vegetables and had some beautiful rose bushes. The isolation and lonileness of this place was nothing like I'd experienced before or since. It got to a person. So the one thing I had to help keep me sane was this dog and this cat. More later.

Thinking about writing

During the course of a day, different ideas will pop into my head of things to write about. Sometimes it's me remembering from the past, sometimes it's my opinion on some topic and sometimes it's just goofy. I wonder about how people get their ideas to write material. Or when people come up with a good idea for a product or service. For years I've been asking people for a good idea for a business. I can't seem to come up with one. Then I'll see somebody who has their own business and think, why didn't I think of that?

I've kept a journal for years, since I was a young girl. But I'm finding out I like writing for an audience. There are some things I can't or won't share because they might get me in trouble with work or are just too personal. Some of the things I've thought about writing lately is my dog Sophie, my move and time out West, working, education, parenting, gardening.

I wonder about people who have written books and how they got their idea for their book. I'm especially curious about those characters that come to people and won't let them go until they write about them. It's like they have to write about what's in their head or they'll go crazy.

The Boob tube

I have a love/hate relationship with TV. When I was growing up I could tell what day of the week it was by what TV shows were on. Monday night was Little House on the Prairie (I used to fight with my sister over watching Little House or Captain and Tenille), Tuesday night was Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, then Three's Company. Wednesday was Charlie's Angels. Thursday was the Rockford Files, my sister and I would make popcorn. Friday was Donnie and Marie. I'd try and guess what kind of outfits the ice skaters would wear. Saturdays I'd watch Hee Haw while my dad and sisters were at church. My mom would make cheeseburgers or homemade pizza. Saturday night was Love Boat and Fantasy Island. Sundays was the only day we could eat supper while watching TV. We ate on TV trays and watched Star Trek. After school I watched Gilligan's Island and the Brady Bunch.

I loved TV. One day I made the mistake of telling my mom that I was so excited because my favorite TV show was going to be on. She said "Oh, really. What's your favorite show?" I said Three's Company. She asked "What's it about?" I said "It's about two girls and a guy living together." Ouch!!!! Why did I say that? That was the end of Three's Company for awhile. I tried to explain to my mom that it wasn't like whatever she was thinking, but she'd hear none of it.

One day my dad said I was spending way too much time watching TV and I had to limit myself to one hour of TV a day. I started to read after school.

I didn't watch too much TV in high school and college. In high school I was busy working and in college I spent my evenings studying. Really I did!

I say I have a love/hate relationship with TV because I think it's perfectly fine when there is something I want to watch. But I hate it when my kids spend their free time watching what I think to be stupid shows like Spongebob. I like to watch Frontline and American Experience on PBS (it's educational!) and I've gotten hooked on shows like Big Love, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, and In Treatment.

But another part of me doesn't like TV at all.

Flying by the seat of my pants

I am an organizationally challenged person. For a librarian you'd think I'd be super organized but I'm not. And I think I've come to a point in my life where my usual mode of operation, flying by the seat of my pants, isn't working anymore. In the past I've usually just knew in my head what needed to be done and would do it and I got by with that. Now it seems that keeping all these things in my head isn't working anymore.

I'm attracted to organization. Like so many things, I like the idea of it. But when put to reality I don't follow through. I envy frineds who are super organzied, neat and clean. I've made attempts, really I have. I went to a Franklin Covey seminar and got a Franklin Planner. I thought it was soooo cool! But I hated carrying the thing around with me and writing down all the things I was supposed to do and crossing them off. It felt like a waste of time for me. I used to not carry a purse. I hate carrying things, makes me feel tied down. I don't like to carry a diaper bag. What is wrong with me?

Last week I made ahead meals to put in the freezer to heat up during the week. It's one of my attempts to save time and money and not have to try and figure out what's for dinner. It wasn't too bad, just a lot of chopping. But it did require me to sit down and plan meals ahead of time, make out a grocery list etc. My husband complains that I go to the store and spend $200.00 on potato chips and nutty bars and don't get "meals". I say snacks are important!

I think it's a sign I'm getting older. Things that used to not bother me are now beginning to bother me. Like I hate coming down in the morning to a messy kitchen. So if I don't want a messy kitchen in the morning I need to clean it up the night before. I know, you're thinking, so simple! I just failed to make that connection before.

Stuff

I've been going through stuff this week. Like a lot of people, I have too much stuff. Stuff in itself isn't bad, I have too much that I don't use. And it seems like I spend a great amount of time organizing, maintaining and cleaning all of this stuff. I've been reading and thinking about how we are this consumer driven society and how this way of life seems to be collapsing.

I grew up in this world that loves stuff. Entertainment was going to the mall, walking around with friends and shopping. The economy seems to be built on people buying and consuming more stuff. It's easier to replace an item that doesn't work rather than fixing it. I really feel like this consumer driven life has consumed me. I've been reading this book called "Your Money or Your life" and it talks about how we trade our life energy in work for money. A lot of days when I'm trying to get out the door to work it does feel like it's my money or my life. Without a job where am I? I'm toast. Nowadays education is geared around how we have to prepare our students to compete in this global market place. What does that have to do with learning because you want to learn more about something? I always think I'd love to be a professional student, learning all about whatever it is I want to learn about. I think the best learning happens when it is "just for fun." Not because it will give me an edge or a better job.

When I went to college my major was "undecided ". Now where I went to school it was a very goal oriented, science, engineering and technology focused place. I'd tell people I was undecided and they'd look at me like I was from the moon or something! People would ask me well how do you know what classes to take, and why are you even here. Then when I did decide on a major, I chose sociology and anthropology because I found it so interesting. Then the question would be "Well what are you going to do with that?"

What would you do with yourself if time and money weren't an issue? I know I'd travel. I want to hike the Appalachian Trail someday. I'd like to backpack across Europe, India, anywhere really I'm sure I'd find something interesting. But it seems like I have to get everything financially squared away before I can do any of that and I just don't see that happening. I guess I'm a dreamer. But the dreams seem to sustain me in ways that the "real world" doesn't.

Magazines

I love magazines. I think it all started when I was a kid and I'd look at my sisters Teen and Seventeen. It was all so fascinating, the talk about boys, hair, makeup, relationships and puberty. The only magazine I remember getting as a kid was National Geographic World, and that was a gift from my grandmother. I had a friend whose mom got all of the womens magazines like Ladies Home Journal, Good Housekeeping etc. I thought that was so cool and I asked my mom if she would get a magazine.

I was trying to think of all the magazines I've subscribed to over the years. Those with an asterik * are ones I currently subscribe to.
Teen
Seventeen
People*
Utne Reader
Wired
Cooking Light*
Taste of Home
Martha Stewart Living*
Glamour
Star*
Everday Food*
Cooks Illustrated*
Cook's Country*
Brain, Child*
Parents
Parenting
Us Weekly
Oprah
The Herb Companion
Working Mother*
Organic Gardening
Various Knitting Nagazines
Mademoiselle
Time
Wondertime
Family Fun
Bead and Button

As you can tell, I am a magazine junkie. My favorites are People, Star and Brain, Child. Although as I get older I tend to not know all of the celebrities talked about in People and Star. When my husband and I got together he exclaimed "I've never seen anyone get so many magazines!". Now I tell myself that if I get one more magazine, my husband will divorce me.

Do I read them all? I do. Although lately I haven't been keeping up with the Martha Stewart Living and all the cooking ones I get. I used to get Oprah and found it to be too preechy. Have you ever noticed that she is on the cover of every issue? My husband jokes, "Oh let's see who's on the cover of Oprah this month. Look, it's Oprah!"

I am going to cut back. I am not renewing Martha Stewart Living and Cooks Illustrated. I mainly get Cooks Illustrated because I like the different pictures of food on the front that I cut out and put on my kitchen wall. Same reason I used to buy all of these Celestial Seasons tea because I liked the pictures on the boxes. And I don't really drink tea! But it seems for every magazine I don't renew, I find another one to take its place.

When I'm done reading them I give most of my magazines to my sister. She passes them on to the doctors office where she works. Before I started giving my magazines to my sister I'd take them to the YMCA and health club where I worked out. The only magazines I use to keep was Martha Stewart Living. I had over ten years worth in my basement! I always thought I'd go back and read them. But I haven't so I recently recycled them. That was a lot of work hauling them to the recycling bin!

I think I am coming to an end of my love affair with magazines. Anymore I think they are just trying to sell you something. But who knows.

Running on Empty

I am running on empty these days. My thoughts are telling me to "Stop this thing I want to get off!". I knew that being a mom and working would be hard. I just never thought it would be this hard. I feel pulled in so many directions and stretched so thin that I don't feel like I do any of my jobs or roles very well, that of wife, mother, and employee. I feel like I do the bare minimum at all of these roles, not because I don't care and want to do the bare minimum, but that there isn't enough of me to go around and so this is what you get. And I feel bad about it. I want to do better at my job and being a mom, but most of the time I feel like I am doing what I can to keep my head above water.

I don't think stay-at-home moms have it easy, I really don't. I think all moms are "working moms". I do sometimes play with the fantasy of not working. But when I do that I find myself in a panic. I have worked since I was 15. I like having my own money. Plus it's what I was raised to do, it's what I went to school for all of those years: to work. Financially it is not even a possiblity for me to not work, and sometimes I resent not having a choice. I guess that's what it boils down to, not feeling like I have a choice and having to do something because it's what I have to do to support myself and my family. But boy does it suck sometimes. It really does.

Cars

I need a new car. I got to thinking about cars yesterday as I backed my husband's truck out of the driveway. It's a stick shift. I haven't driven a stick shift in years. Plus I couldn't see out the backend because of all his equipment, but that's another story.

I learned how to drive a stick shift my senior year of college. My good friend Tiffany taught me. I had to learn quickly because my old car, a Ford Mustang, came to a sudden and abrupt end. My new car, a Toyota Tercel, was a stick and so I had to learn how to drive a stick. I learned to like a stick shift. It gave me something to do while driving and helped me control my speed.

I do not want a new car. My current vehicle, a Kia Spectra (what I refer to as a crap car) is paid for. And it runs pretty well and only has 56,000 miles on it. But with three kids this car is not big enough. One day I went to the grocery store before picking the kids up. I had the stroller in the trunk so I could only put a few groceries in there. There wasn't any room for people to sit!

I do not want a minivan. To me that just screams mommobile! I'd like a subaru station wagon. I tend to prefer foreign cars. They run better! But I really hate to be so dependent on a car at all. I wish our communities were set up so that I could walk wherever I need to go, like on a college campus. I'd probably walk or bike to work if I didn't have to transport children, or is that just an excuse?

So I will not get a new car anytime soon. I will drive this car until it falls apart. We'll just have to be crowded.

Shampoo

In my last post I talked about the shampoo story I'd heard on NPR. That got me thinking about shampoo. Remember all of those funky shampoos from the 70's? I'm talking about Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific, Body on Tap (the shampoo with beer in it), LemonUp with the lemon on the top, Herbal Essence. I was such a sucker for all of that stuff. Later I graduated to shampoos like Jhirmak, Nexus, Pantene, Paul Mithcell and System Biolage. I used to spend a fortune on shampoo! Now what do I use? Suave. If I want to splurge I get Garnier Fructis.

I've been thinking about blogging and why people do it and why I'm suddenly doing it. I don't feel the need to update everyone with a minute by minute description of what I'm doing, like on MySpace or Facebook. But I do kind of like the idea of writing something and maybe somebody else will read it. And then I'll be famous! No I don't want to be famous. And I try to stay away from the computer when I'm at home cause it just seems to suck up time that I don't have. But it is kind of fun to write something. About something silly like shampoo.

Why Blog?

Okay so at dinner I tell my husband that I started a blog. He asks what are you going to blog about? I say I'm not sure, anything and everything. Which makes me ask the question why do people blog? Why am I blogging? I guess you could say I need an outlet. I look at it as writing an opinion column for a newspaper, except I don't get paid and probably nobody will read it.

I heard this story on NPR yesterday about shampoo and washing your hair. It talked about how in the 70's this shampoo was marketed as if you use it it will make your hair look like Farrah Fawcett's. The shampoo was Wella Balsam. I so remember that! I used that shampoo cause I wanted my hair to look like Farrah's, but it never did. I couldn't understand it. I was so dissapointed. The story went on to talk about how there are people out there who advocate for not washing your hair every day. I guess at the turn of the century people only washed their hair once a month. Once a month! I know my grandmother washed her hair every two weeks. My grandfather told us that if you washed your hair every day it would fall out. My husband heard this story and said "Honey if you want to wash your hair once a month go ahead. I'm going to keep washing mine every day."

Hi I'm new at this

Hi, I'm new at this blogging thing.  I thought it might be an interesting way to share my thoughs with whoever wants to read them.  The name Bubbieroos comes from nicknames I use with my children: Bubbies and Roo.  I have a new baby girl and haven't come up with a good nickname for her yet.  

Work is kind of slow today.